I’m 34 years old and I’ve never been in a relationship. I have never dated a guy, let alone even kissed one. Every morning begins with a longing that I am alone so far and time goes by, and I am increasingly deprived of the opportunity to meet my other half.
Sometimes attempts to start looking are awakened, and I fiercely, for the umpteenth time, register in dating apps, likek photos of men on social networks, waiting for a response, because I am not able to start a conversation with them. I am very insecure and shy. And when people answer me, I get scared and often do not respond. I know I have a fear of what others will think of me, inexperienced at this age. I’m scared of public speaking to the point of fainting, and I sweat seven times when I’m approached by someone on the street.
I am an introvert and could live my whole life alone. My psychologist said that it is not necessary to be with someone, you can live your life perfectly well alone. But I think, ispovedi.com, that being alone, just shortens my life, no matter how pronounced an introvert I am. A person needs companionship, attention, a witness to their life. Often I just want to howl from hopelessness and my own impotence to have a relationship. It was my own fault for cutting off all the attempts of men, being afraid. So I want to have a family, to know that my husband will support and protect. But I can not break down in his fears and insecurities. Probably need someone more assertive about me, but do not demand that from a man, really.
I think I will grow old and die alone in my apartment, detected by the smell in a week. It is a silly thought, but it does not give me peace. Lately I have been thinking about the need to write a will. Death is often sudden, but for whom to leave all that I have? If I had at least a sister or brother, and I do not even have friends.
Sometimes I talk myself into the fact that life in the family is not sugar and my parents divorced, and my mother is very happy about it until now, remembering those ispovedi.com 12 years, as a bad dream. She doesn’t bring up the conversation about me getting married sooner or about wanting grandchildren. In that regard, she agrees that it’s okay to live peacefully for myself, but that said, when I brought up my problem with her, she freaked out and started giving advice, telling me to look for it and not give up. But how do I explain to someone who is easy to talk to people that I am not capable of this, that I start to panic, get lost, shut up, feeling my own powerlessness and despair. She says it’s hard for her to understand, that it sounds strange to her.
I’ve been living in the virtual world since I was 15 and it’s easier for me to communicate in chat, whereas in reality it’s a big problem. I find it easier to find a language in chats exactly with people of 16-22 years old as for the most part we have similar interests and views on life. I’m probably just stuck at that age.
That said, only after chatting with a person for over 5 months, I feel an affinity to him and no longer worry about what to answer when he writes to me. In reality, however, it’s all bad. I dated a couple of times with young people. I was terrified to meet them in reality. It was a nightmare, friends. I couldn’t say a word. I could barely squeeze out answers to basic questions, sweating and shaking like a firing squad. And after that I was still engaged in self-injury, recalling all my own faults, which, I am sure of it, did not notice the guy.
The strange thing is that I can really relate to people much older than me, too. And even though I’m worried, I perceive them as if I’m communicating with my grandfather or my own father.
Loneliness is a creepy thing if it’s been going on for more than a decade. What’s the use of living for yourself? I’ve already realized that it’s pointless.
How to break this insecurity? So much reading and so many attempts have been made. It got to the point (just don’t laugh) that I wanted to volunteer. I thought it would help me learn not to be afraid of communication, but in the end I just couldn’t make up my mind about this venture, even though the questionnaire was written and approved by ispovedi.com organizers. But the closer the deadline got, the more I backed out.
It’s interesting to learn how people manage to get acquainted, get into relationships (it’s really an uncharted field for me and I don’t understand how it’s supposed to happen at all). How have those who have similar mental health issues like mine been able to overcome themselves or do they overcome in communication and dating?
