I’m going to write the scariest words of my life. I’m going to write in Russian, for the last time, because I only spoke to you in Russian. I can’t not write, I want the whole world to scream how you were. And without you, the only thing I know how to do is write.
I sit beside my dead husband. My life lies beside me in a closed coffin. My life that wiped away my tears and told me it would never leave me. Who stroked me all night when I was sick. Who bragged about me at every turn. And I bragged about you. And I thanked God for who you are. It’s like I don’t exist anymore.
I don’t know a purer, kinder, more worthy Man. You were the best at everything. Not because you were mine. You were, you were good at everything. You were appreciated everywhere.
All your words ring in my ears. Just the sweet ones, the ones you never said. If something cool came up at our house, you’d tell us who we’d share it with. If something happened, I only held on because of you. One “zzzaah!” was enough to make me stand at attention.
You’d fly home from the service with your pockets full of chocolates so I wouldn’t be sad. And everything you took with you, you always handed out to brag about how I cooked. You were never afraid of anything, not once. You shined a smile every day, even when things were bad. “I’m warmly dressed and eating well,” on all occasions. You made plans for the year ahead for when we would go to see our parents. “Have I ever denied you anything?” – You answered all my stupidest things. “I’ll fix you up and everything will be fine, we still have children,” “What work, the main thing is that you are healthy and happy,” “I want such a little girl,” – you said every single day.
And you always helped, I could ask for anything. “What are you, a commander?” – you teased with a sly smile. “Worse,” I’d say, “I’m the commander’s wife,” and kiss my nose.
I could tell you things that no one ever tells anyone, and you always understood.
After we were married, you added a house to the heart next to my contact and said, “You’re my home forever now.”
I knew how insufferable we would be in our old age, I knew what eyes our children would have. I figured out a long time ago what to get you for your first wedding anniversary. And I had to choose a wreath for your grave. Last time we spoke, you said you were guarding my sleep. Now I’m guarding yours for the rest of my life.
You’re an officer with a code of honor that those bitches couldn’t even dream of. You are my heart! You are my soul! You were and you will be. I love you immensely and I’m proud of you.
I curse those fascists for you, my dear, for our unborn children, for our stolen lives, yours and mine.
I sit next to my dead husband. I am a widow at 25. My life was stolen by non-humans. My life was stolen by fucking Russia.
