I want to speak out and talk about what is troubling me. I am a young girl, I am 20 years old, I have many friends, I am sociable, I have my own good income, respectively, I do not depend on anyone. I left home when I was 17 and never went there again. Since then I started living on my own, in every sense of the word.
I travel a lot, make acquaintances, I can afford the minimum necessary to live, to put it simply – for food, clothing and shelter is good enough.
Now to the problem. I am not and have never been in a relationship. I really want to, but I am very much afraid of guys. I don’t know how to explain it.
I just can’t hold my head up, make eye contact, have a dialogue, think about simple communication and relationships. Even though deep down inside of me I want so badly to be loved, to be in love and to have a family. To be waited on in the evening and know that my life has meaning.
It is very hard for me alone, I cope, but I pull everything myself and loneliness just brings me, constant burnout. I don’t know where to start to stop this torment.
All my acquaintances easily get acquainted and get into relationships, and I can’t do that. They came up to me to get acquainted on the street, and even if a young man I liked, I was so afraid and refused, he immediately left, and that was it. Sometimes I think if you insist a little bit on me, it will help me to open up, but usually guys after the first “no” immediately merge.
I don’t play this game, not because I think I’m better than others or want to show something, no. I’m really scared out of my mind for some reason. I don’t know where to look, what to talk about, how to stand, how to eat. I get dizzy, my hands get cold, and I feel sick. I immediately want to be left alone, to go away, to close the door and turn off the light.
I think my parents’ relationship played a part in this. They divorced when I was 11, but while they lived together, my father humiliated my mother, beat her, she worked alone in the family, there was never any money. My father always told me that a woman was a dirty, weak creature, not entitled to equality, created to submit to a man. He said I should always remain pure and innocent.
Even though he’s gone, I’ve grown up and understand everything, but his words are firmly lodged in the depths of my memory. That’s how I live – alone, independent, quiet, pure…
I am so tired. I really want love.
I am thinking of going to a psychologist, because on a subconscious level I understand that men are the same people as me, they are not a threat.
