I never hated anyone. But now I realize that it’s me that I hate. And this hatred is so huge that you can even see it.
All my life I lived, studied and knew nothing but happiness. Although I only felt happiness the moment I could cry.
My life wasn’t bad, per se, but as soon as I got to university, I realized that I knew nothing about life. I was living like a robot, eating, drinking, sleeping, studying. There was nothing, nothing at all, I do not remember most of my life, because it was packed into one big piece in which not a single good memory can be found.
My parents weren’t interested in me at all. I see no point in telling about my experience, in the form of 11 years in school as a robot, as well as about my parents, because many had similar problems, but my problem eventually gave me something that made me hate my parents to pieces at first. My life gave me such a thing as fear, ispovedi.com animal fear. It is so immense that it prevents me from doing anything. I can’t talk normally with friends, acquaintances, and the same parents, simply because I’m afraid. I’m scared to the point of shaking in my knees to say the wrong thing, and then I’ll get laughed at. To talk to someone, I have to calculate in my head tens of thousands of options for what to say at any given moment. Even now, when I write my story, I try to do everything so that it doesn’t sound stupid.
This has been going on for a long time, but afterwards I began to realize a second, very significant thing, namely, that I cannot find the strength to focus on one thing at a time. My thoughts became confused, I couldn’t think of anything at all, just because they didn’t stay in one place for more than five seconds. Now there is no such problem, but it remained in the form of a lack of time to absorb knowledge for the university, which I am trying to patch up until now.
However, the fear that accompanied me intensified. It ispovedi.com became so enormous that I stopped expressing my emotions. I just forgot how to be happy, sympathetic, etc. Smiling, in all the pictures looks fake, I can’t empathize with someone simply because I’m afraid! I’m afraid to empathize, it sounds weird, but I am. It’s exactly the same situation with other emotions and that’s why I hated my parents, even though I didn’t show it or talk about it, because I was afraid. In fact, they made me into a puppet who learns from the beginning, and they also wonder: “why are you so bad at everything?”.
Always hated, it may sound silly all the time, but my hatred for my parents grew every day until I realized that the only person who should be surrounded by hatred is me. I am the one who makes my own destiny, and only I can decide what I should do next. But fear won’t let me do anything. What then is needed? To overcome fear, but I cannot do that, for that fear was animal. I was always bullied at school, I did not pay attention to it, or rather stopped at some point and finally stopped talking to anyone, and classmates did not particularly want it. And after school I got my freedom, along with the fear of losing university, normal classmates, of being ridiculed and humiliated. And I can’t do anything about it. I try, but I can’t.
I hate myself for my weakness, for my inability to overcome this barrier that surrounds me and for the fact that, because of my inability to conquer fear, I go crazy, thereby destroying my life. Every day this hatred increases.
I don’t know what will happen next, but I’m afraid to find out.
